4.24.2012

Anti-Cat Nerd Rant

 
Some readers know of my long-standing antipathy for cats. They are lazy and narcissistic. There are very few, if any, valid reasons for humans to keep them. A few months ago, I rewatched Ridley Scott's classic sci-fi horror, Alien. I realised this film gives validation to my attitude toward cats. In that film, the ill-fated crew of the commercial star ship Nostromo keep a cat names Jones who ...

1) Does absolutely nothing to help catch the chest burster before it grows to full size. What is the point of a cat on a ship if not pest control? He should have been hunting that little bugger while Kane (John Hurt)'s funeral was going on, inwhich case the threat could have been eradicated before it grew to full size, but no ...

2) To the contrary, he actually makes the hunt for the chest burster more difficult by showing up on the scanner and then fleeing when the crew tries to corral him.

3) Jones basically kills Brett (Harry Dean Stanton) by running right to where the alien is hiding when Brett is trying to catch him (Jones). Also watches placidly while Brett is killed -- evidence of the stereotypical feline detached attitude that “humans come and go” with him as mere observer to their drama. A dog would have tried to do something to help, even if it was futile.

4) Also basically kills Parker (Yaphet Kotto) and Lambert (Veronica Cartwright) because Ripley (Signourney Weaver) is mucking about looking for the runaway cat again when the alien corners Lambert. If all three had been together maybe they would have lived.

5) Almost kills Ripley by being present in the animal crate near the shuttle entrance when the alien is there, thus preventing Ripley from frying the alien with her incinerator.

6) Aboard the Narcissus (The Nostromo's lifeboat), Jones does nothing to warn Ripley of the Alien's presence thus again almost killing Ripley.

Thus, Jones provides lots of proof why cats suck. And why human attachment to them costs lives.

And before the cat-lovers lynch me, I hope you realize that this post was written very tongue-in-cheek.

1 comment:

Anonymous said...

You're a brave man going in for the kill re taking in 'Alien' again; the first in the series is genuinely chilling; even listening to a 'classics review' on a prominent film programme a few months ago in which snippets were played gave me nightmares!! Oh, and by the way, I am a dog person, but not a small dog person; perceive small dogs in much the same light that you perceive cats...give me a proper dog any day - as my golden labrador lazes upon the sofa (in one fell stroke utterly demolishing my argument!! :-)

Keep up the good work,

Sarah,
Australia.

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